Last night I hear this intermittent rapping sound on my window. I look down and there's this impossibly little man staring up at my apartment. He's throwing pebbles, trying to get my attention. I'm all like "What the fuck". Through some basic hand gestures he makes it apparent he'd like to have a word with me. I throw on a pair of shorts and a tee and pop down to street level, see what the deal is. The little fuck throws a Molotov cocktail through my window and says "Your house is on fire". FML.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Stand right here. Right here. Give me your hand.
And stop fidgeting, the moon isn't even completely full yet.
Yes thank you. Uh - I would like a numberrrr...6? With A Sprite?
No, medium is fine. Thanks.
Hmm, maybe - Dylan? Would you like an apple pie? I'm going to get two but I can only eat one. Think you'd eat that other pie, bud?
No, it's just apple and sugar and spices. They don't make one with pig's blood.
Well I'm sorry, you're the one who insisted on McDonalds. What kind of Happy Meal do you want?
There is no "Half Dead Bloodied Baby Lamb" Happy Meal, Dylan. Behave yourself.
No they don't have that, either. Stop it. Just tell me what you want: A cheeseburger or McNuggets?
Okay that's fine, after dinner - what do you want right now though?
Think about what they have at McDonalds, Dylan. You know this. Just tell me what you want from McDonalds for dinner.
Fine. My son won't be having anything AND he's not playing anymore X-Box until we have a talk with his father.
OH, SO NOW YOU KNOW WHA...STOP HOWLING! STOP IT THIS INSTANT! CUT....CUT IT! ENOUGH! DO YOU HEAR ME? ENOUGH!
I think that will be all for us, miss. This one here is starting to come a bit undone...
Dylan - I have to let your hand go to get into my purse. Can you be a good boy and not maul anyone for ten seconds?
How much do we owe you, Miss?
Okay one momen..
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
The other day I'm at the local ski resort, swishing down the slopes, when a female Yeti gets my attention. She brings me over behind this big old sycamore and tells me a shady guy from the snow patrol has just sold her an eight ball of pure, primo shit. Claims it isn't even cut, that it's straight up rock. The whole time she's telling me this, she's rubbing my leg, like real high up on the thigh, making real deep eye contact. So obviously I get all horned up, and head back to her place to start fooling around. It's getting real heavy, and she says she wants bump up before we go any further. She goes and taps out four rails, rubs some on her gums. Nothing. Turns out it was baking soda. FML.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Your boyfriends from SERIOUS LUNCH are doing a set at Bowery Electric this Thursday at 8PM, with our friends The Dan Ryan.
It's such an intimate space, you guys. Get there early, and you'll be close enough to smell us. And we smell really fucking good.
Like really good. Like new J. Crew shirt mixed with Attitude by Armani good.
Cheap tickets, at the venue!