Wednesday, July 1, 2009

The New Supreme Leader of My Cult Sure Is Talking About "The Ultimate Sacrafice" A Lot

I don't even know what to think anymore. Not because I've been brainwashed, or anything shady like that. I'm still the same person I've always been since I was broken down and rebuilt in Tarkkon's image five years ago. But this new guy in charge is impossible to warm up to. I don't get his appeal, and I really don't understand why he was chosen to take us into the second epoch over someone as qualified as I am.

Honestly, it's hard to remember why I even joined this cult in the first place, almost as hard as it is to remember what my life was like before I embraced Tarkkon (all glory unto him). When our beautiful, perfect leader L. John Gibbard passed from this realm and was called up to Mount Pharginne to take his rightful place next to Tarkkon, everyone was trying to tell me things would be exactly the same around here. But I knew better! I just knew there was something off about this new guy. And now I get to cult practice this morning (only like, five minutes late, calm the fuck down everyone) and he's up at L. John's podium, talking yet again about how "one day soon, praise Tarkkon, we'll all need to follow his example and make the ultimate sacrifice".

Give me a break, new guy. First of all, you're not even fit to wash L. John's sacred culottes, don't go tossing about his realm shifting as part of your hackneyed, ra-ra "go team" bullshit. And secondly, of all the Extra-Terrestrial Omnipowerful Demigods in the cosmos to name drop, Tarkkon should be the last E.T.O.D this loser mentions. A being as perfect as Tarkkon knows when he's being sold a load of shit, and sister - this guy is moving it by the bucket-full. Don't you think once we undertake our pilgrimage to Pharginne, Tarkkon (all glory) is going to remember who was steadfast and remained true to the teachings of L. John and who was just an ass-faced poseur ordering me to mop the latrines for the SIXTH TIME EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE CLEAN AFTER THE FIRST TIME?

I'm not angry, though. Supreme Leader Ass-Face can talk all he wants about the "ultimate sacrifice". I know the real score. Me and Tarkkon "One", Ass-Face "Zero". Back when L. John was still with us, he would never have allowed someone of my stature within the org to be disrespected and insulted by a Glermax-come-lately like this douche. Manual labor? When I'm in my fifth year? It's not like we all didn't get our turn through the salt mines, bucko. We did - we all most certainly did. Bitch, I went through twice just to show L.John how serious I was. But now you wanna run around and talk about guns Like I ain't got none? What you think I sold 'em all 'cause I stay well off?

Please, new guy. Don't even.

When that glorious day comes, and I'm honored enough to lay it all down and start the second epoch, I'll be ready for it. I won't need you there to remind me about it, just like I don't need you here now yapping your fucking yap about it. All praise be to Tarkkon, and screw this new guy who's making me peel potatoes all goddamn afternoon.

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