Thursday, June 11, 2009


I do this thing where I constantly walk in front of people, because I have to be first... and I'm well aware of it. Whether you're a hot chick, an ugly dude, an old grampy, or a young scampy, get out the way because I will be first.

When getting off the elevator, I don't care if you are a pregnant woman with bound feet, I don't have time to stand behind your saunter. I should obvi be first. If I'm on line at the grocery shop, and you are ahead of me, I will throw your plantains and wheat germ down the aisle, and when you come back from fetching your foods, I will already be checked out and on my way home. At the bar, I don't care if you get there before me or know the bartender or just want water. I will smash a pint glass in your face like Leo DeCaps in The Departs, and will be first to drink. After all, first to drink, first to drunk.


If I come home at night and you're already there sleeping, I will slap you in the face and do that thing where I fake break an egg on your head by spreading my fingers through your hair, and you will wake up. Then I'll take some ambien and fall asleep before you. If I see a funny blog post, and you comment first and write in all caps 'FIRST', I will take a screenshot, photoshop your name out and replace it with my own. Then I will make it my desktop for an hour.

Just so I know I'm first.

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