There were lots of funny things about Tim and Anthony's "Favorite in 2009" Lists, but one of the sadder parts was that they were both written by pussies.
They'll be none of that with my list, friends. If you'd indulge me for a moment, I'd be happy to cut through the bark, trim the fat, skip ahead and get right to the truth of the matter.
And here it is: you'd be hard pressed to find someone that is less of a pussy than I, you're humble and modest listsmythe. My modesty, in fact, is surpassed only by my sheer and utter lack of being a pussy (which I am not* thank you).
So - since you now can be certain beyond the whisper of a shadow of a doubt that you are about to hear the real, pussy-free deal - let's begin.
*Sometimes I agree with pussies.
Best Movie: The Fantastic Mr. Fox
Most Fun I Had Watching a Movie This Year: Star Trek
The Two Best Movies "For Kids" That Aren't Fantastic Mr. Fox: Up, Where The Wild Things Are
Almost Best Album: Grizzly Bear - Veckatimest, Islands - Vapours, Sunset Rubdown - Dragonslayer, Passion Pit - Manners, Antony and the Johnsons - The Crying Light, Mew - No More Stories...
Best Album: Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavillion
Best Songs On That Album: My Girls, Summertime Clothes, Bluish
Best Songs by R. Kelly This Year: Number One, Echo, #1 Fan
Best Show on Television: Mad Men (AMC)
Funniest New Show: Modern Family (ABC)
Best Show Ever: The Wire (HBO)
Best Cartoon: The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack (Cartoon Network)
Still Makes Me Laugh Every Week: The Simpsons, South Park
Consistently Better Than Family Guy: American Dad
Best New Yorker Cover: November 2nd, 2009 (Chris Ware)
Best Vegetable: Spinach
Best Comic: Achewood
Best Live Comedy Group: The Dan Ryan
Best Catchphrase: "I wanna hit that bitch with a shovel!" (Me)
Best Books I Read: Rabbit, Run and Rabbit Redux (John Updike)
Most Exciting Sports Moment: Alex Rodriguez' game tying two-run homer in game 2 of the ALDS
Best Video Game - (Tie) The Beatles: Rock Band, New Super Mario Bros. Wii
The Best Phone: The iPhone (why would you have a different phone?)
Funniest Writer: Gabe at Videogum
Best Cocktail: Vodka and Soda with fresh lime-juice
Best Food Deal: (Tie) Free Pizza with Drink Purchase at Alligator Lounge, Free Sake with Dinner at Sakura
Not Sayin' I Would, But If I Had To: John Hamm
Put a bow on it.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Best song: Dawn of the Dead - Does it Offend You, Yeah?
Best album: Discovery - LP
Best movie: Fantastic Mr. Fox
Best DVD: La Collectionneuse - Eric Rohmer
Best commercial: Trident Layers
Best novel: All the Pretty Horses - Cormac McCarthy
Best comic: Bodyworld - Dash Shaw
Best short story: The Youngboy (Tom Moody)
Best artist: James Castle
Best twitter: Chelsea Peretti
Best web video: Colgate Wisp by Black20
Best website: Tom Moody Blog
Best video game: Super Mario Wii
Best TV show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Best bar: Turkey's Nest (Williamsburg)
*These aren't Serious Lunch's favorite things, just my favorite things y'all
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Of course you don't. We don't either so no big whoop.
Today is the 2 year anniversary of SERIOUSLUNCH.com. 2 years! That's a long time. It's basically the lifetime achievement award of internet comedy groups. But we didn't get an award. The academy snubbed us. We'll obviously have our revenge. And it will be served in a cold dish. Because that is the best kind of dish for revenge.
This is for all those people who've helped us out through the years. Thank you for your support. We've been through a lot to get here today. All of our parents wanted us to go to law school, and play football on a scholarship. We all failed, except for Bob who is the footballingist playing lawyer we've ever met. After all football is a dish best served on a cold plate. Are you following? Keep up.
Thank you viewers. Without your snide comments, death threats (yes Catholics, those death threats), and hatred for anything that has to do with dicks (they're funny by the way, get over it), we wouldn't be doing what we're doing today.
It's a fun thing to make movies with your friends. We're lucky to have sick minded people like you watching, so thank you.
More SERIOUS LUNCH to come in 2010 (Twenty Ten).
Serious Lunch at 10:56 AM
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
I just found out you can embed these Doritos things, rather than linking to the awful Doritos splash page. Can you believe that splash page? Jeez.
So here they are, again, and I promise not to repost them 4 lyfe.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
I took a Final Cut class this weekend. The computer I was on had a bunch of movie trailers and student films, I used them to cut this rad video in a couple hours.
"I only tried 50% on this film" -Lars Von Trier
"Genius work comes easily to a genius" -Tim
Friday, November 20, 2009
Apparently, she wanted to make the hallway appear that it had snow in it, so she decided to use a fire extinguisher (this is something that her dad has successfully done in the past). Instead of there just being a "little poof", the entire hallway filled with chemicals that caused the fire alarm to go off in the middle of the night during finals week.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Presumed deaf, the young boy was also said to be mute, illiterate, and mentally challenged. Knowledgeable family members and boyhood friends and neighbors, however, confirm James Castle could vocalize but could not verbalize: he could make sounds but not shape words.
Careful consideration of his drawings and books suggest Castle had a limited writing ability, a skill he apparently was taught at the Idaho School for the Deaf and Blind.
For pens he sharpened sticks and twigs. For ink he mixed stove soot and saliva. Paper was scavenged from discarded or found materials (bulk mail, cardboard cartons, cigarette packages, discarded textbooks). To bind his books the artist borrowed or found thread, twine, string or yarn.
While the artist was never encouraged by his immediate family to make art, neither was he discouraged.
Robert Beach, the artist's nephew, recognized his uncle's genius, and brought Castle's work to the attention of art professors in Portland, Oregon in the 1950s. Their response was uniformly positive and for the next decade Castle enjoyed limited regional success in exhibitions in Washington, Oregon, California, and finally Idaho.
Family delight with Castle's initial success, however, soon soured. The family grew to distrust art dealers and curators who disassembled works or failed to return unsold works. Reputable dealers found the family unfamiliar with standard commercial practices: works for sale could not be thumb-tacked or taped to walls, nor trimmed to fit standard frames.
By the 1970s, Castle was ill and ailing and the family would have little to do with the Art world. After his death, the artist was largely forgotten, and his unsold works languished in less than archival conditions.
Castle's rebirth or rediscovery might be said to have begun in 1994 with the exhibition of over 50 of his books at the dedication exhibition of the Idaho Center for the Book (ICB) in Boise. Today, the artist's reputation has been established globally.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Having a daughter in the future, cause you're time traveling?- Talk it out at the bathtub.
It's Complicated- Talk it out at the bathtub. Wait till Meryl's nice and pruny.
How much are you going to miss me. THiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much.
I'm almost done.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
When creating any piece of fictional literature it is imperative the writer first considers the nature of narrative conflict in the potential work. By recognizing the fundamental devices used to propel a story one can streamline the action and heighten the emotional impact. According to Aristotle, in order to hold the interest, the hero must have a single conflict. The agon, or act of conflict, involves the protagonist (literally: the "first fighter") and the antagonist. The easier it is for the protagonist to triumph, the less value there is in the drama. Here, then, are the basic narrative conflicts, or antagonists, a work must present:
Man vs. Man
Man vs. Nature
Man vs. Machine
Man vs. Self
Man vs. Raab Himself
Man vs. Wolfman
Man vs. Time Wolfman
Man vs. Carbs
Man vs. Melm
Friday, July 17, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I don't even know what to think anymore. Not because I've been brainwashed, or anything shady like that. I'm still the same person I've always been since I was broken down and rebuilt in Tarkkon's image five years ago. But this new guy in charge is impossible to warm up to. I don't get his appeal, and I really don't understand why he was chosen to take us into the second epoch over someone as qualified as I am.
Honestly, it's hard to remember why I even joined this cult in the first place, almost as hard as it is to remember what my life was like before I embraced Tarkkon (all glory unto him). When our beautiful, perfect leader L. John Gibbard passed from this realm and was called up to Mount Pharginne to take his rightful place next to Tarkkon, everyone was trying to tell me things would be exactly the same around here. But I knew better! I just knew there was something off about this new guy. And now I get to cult practice this morning (only like, five minutes late, calm the fuck down everyone) and he's up at L. John's podium, talking yet again about how "one day soon, praise Tarkkon, we'll all need to follow his example and make the ultimate sacrifice".
Give me a break, new guy. First of all, you're not even fit to wash L. John's sacred culottes, don't go tossing about his realm shifting as part of your hackneyed, ra-ra "go team" bullshit. And secondly, of all the Extra-Terrestrial Omnipowerful Demigods in the cosmos to name drop, Tarkkon should be the last E.T.O.D this loser mentions. A being as perfect as Tarkkon knows when he's being sold a load of shit, and sister - this guy is moving it by the bucket-full. Don't you think once we undertake our pilgrimage to Pharginne, Tarkkon (all glory) is going to remember who was steadfast and remained true to the teachings of L. John and who was just an ass-faced poseur ordering me to mop the latrines for the SIXTH TIME EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE CLEAN AFTER THE FIRST TIME?
I'm not angry, though. Supreme Leader Ass-Face can talk all he wants about the "ultimate sacrifice". I know the real score. Me and Tarkkon "One", Ass-Face "Zero". Back when L. John was still with us, he would never have allowed someone of my stature within the org to be disrespected and insulted by a Glermax-come-lately like this douche. Manual labor? When I'm in my fifth year? It's not like we all didn't get our turn through the salt mines, bucko. We did - we all most certainly did. Bitch, I went through twice just to show L.John how serious I was. But now you wanna run around and talk about guns Like I ain't got none? What you think I sold 'em all 'cause I stay well off?
Please, new guy. Don't even.
When that glorious day comes, and I'm honored enough to lay it all down and start the second epoch, I'll be ready for it. I won't need you there to remind me about it, just like I don't need you here now yapping your fucking yap about it. All praise be to Tarkkon, and screw this new guy who's making me peel potatoes all goddamn afternoon.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Holy shit, people. By 2011 I'll finally be able to get my giraffe degree. Personally I was thinking about going for my giraffe masters, but if it takes only 2 years, I might as well go for my giraffe doctoral. A buddy of mine got his bachelors in giraffes back in '04. What a waste of four years. Who knew the giraffe education system would flourish in '09? Who knew? I didn't, that's for sure. Thank you Firefox for not preventing this pop-up.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
I do this thing where I constantly walk in front of people, because I have to be first... and I'm well aware of it. Whether you're a hot chick, an ugly dude, an old grampy, or a young scampy, get out the way because I will be first.
When getting off the elevator, I don't care if you are a pregnant woman with bound feet, I don't have time to stand behind your saunter. I should obvi be first. If I'm on line at the grocery shop, and you are ahead of me, I will throw your plantains and wheat germ down the aisle, and when you come back from fetching your foods, I will already be checked out and on my way home. At the bar, I don't care if you get there before me or know the bartender or just want water. I will smash a pint glass in your face like Leo DeCaps in The Departs, and will be first to drink. After all, first to drink, first to drunk.
If I come home at night and you're already there sleeping, I will slap you in the face and do that thing where I fake break an egg on your head by spreading my fingers through your hair, and you will wake up. Then I'll take some ambien and fall asleep before you. If I see a funny blog post, and you comment first and write in all caps 'FIRST', I will take a screenshot, photoshop your name out and replace it with my own. Then I will make it my desktop for an hour.
Just so I know I'm first.