Thursday, August 28, 2008

I Will Suppress Your Farts

King Kong Weird Al ain't got nothing on me!

In the style of Death Cab for Cutie

How I wish you could feel the momentum, the momentum of poo and pee.
It's like a butt elegantly bound but with a feeling that you can't feel, just yet.

You gotta eat some bread, love. You gotta eat some bread with me,
No peanut butter or milk love, they won't suppress your farts.
You cannot eat those prunes, love. You cannot eat those raisins with me,
and even though they're the same love, they won't suppress your farts.

There are days when outside your window, you can let that wind slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective when we'll be free, free of this gas.

You gotta eat more carbs, love. You gotta eat more carbs with me,
No fiber crackers or fruits love, they won't suppress your farts.
You cannot eat those beans, love. Please don't drink that laxative with me,
Cuz I can't stand that smell love, your assy smelly farts.

You reject my advices and desperate plea. I won't let you let it out so easily. So easily.

You gotta spend some time, love. You gotta spend some time with me,
cuz I will do my best love, I will suppress your farts.
You gotta spend some time, love. You gotta spend some time with me,
all the dry ones and wet ones, I will suppress your farts.

I will suppress your farts.
I will suppress your farts.

Thank You.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

April, You Were The Love of My Life

There won't ever be another one like you, baby.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Why No Bloggies Bob?

Why no blogs?

Fuck you. I'm busy.

Busy doing what?

Writing a script. It's called The Warehouse and is a pretentious piece of garbage in it's current form. Big whoop wanna fight about it?

While you are anxiously waiting for me to do something funny...

Here is something something that could potentially develop into something cool. You can watch it while I do big important productive things. I'm not endorsing it or saying it is cool, just that it might be cool at some distant juncture point in the future time sphere of time space. It's also churned out by the same studio (more or less) that makes BSG...and I don't mind looking at Rosario Dawson once in a while. Also I'm a sap for this sci-fi shit. Yeah, I'm pretty much that asshole that waves at motion sensor doors pretending to be darth maul and speaks to general appliances as if they obey voice commands. Wanna fight about it?

Thursday, August 21, 2008

You must get your head around it


Get it quick, these links don't last!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Last Night I Dreamt We Had Really Degrading Sex

Hey - I guess you got my message, thanks for meeting me. I had to get this off my chest.

Yes, I did. I hope that doesn't "weird you out" or change anything about our friendship. I'm just telling you that it happened, and I want to own up to it.

No, I'm not apologizing, per se. I don't think it's fair to be held accountable for every little thing my unconscious mind produces in the middle of the night. I just want you to understand why I will now appear distant or distracted when we talk. The real world seems incongruous with the mental image I've established of you, and that takes it's toll on conversation. The dream was that vivid.

I won't go into any further detail, this is all uncomfortable enough. Suffice it to say that we both got it pretty bad, it was predominantly one-on-one but not entirely, and this is the final time I'll be making eye contact with you.

If it's any consolation, you were very tender about it. About everything. In the dream.

I guess I am apologizing.

I'm sorry.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Instructions (21-24)

Monday, August 18, 2008

Dutch Garfield

Q: Welke dag van de week doet Garfield haat?

A: Maandag!

Michael Phelps Jokes are everywhere nowadays

So here's another one:

Hey Michael Phelps. Aquaman called...

He couldn't get through. He tried twice and both calls went right to voicemail. Don't you have an international calling plan? I know that you're in Beijing and all, but it's something maybe you should look into...

Oh shit. Aquaman just g-chatted me and said that he did get through, but it only rang once and then went to voicemail. So I guess you saw the call and just didn't wanna pick up. That's cool. He's kind of annoying anyways. It's like get off that high (sea)horse already Aquaman. Right?

This is actually pretty funny though. This one time at the beach I told Aquaman that the bottom of the ocean smells like strawberries, and he went underwater and sniffed and inhaled all this water. It was a good goof. I guess it would have been funnier if he couldn't breathe underwater. But he can. So the goof was on me.

It was a really good goof on me.

This Sallow Thing

So tonight I go up to my room for bedtime like I do just about every night. Anyway, I open my door and go to turn on the lights but they don't work.

In any case, I fumble around the room for a flashlight when I realize I can just use my phone as a light, I mean, I'm just going a few feet to my bed. So Anyways, I open my phone to the texting screen because it's the lightest screen on my phone so it gives off the most light, even though I'm just going a few feet to my bed.

Anywho, I walk over to my bed and there is this cycloped sallow thing just sitting there on my pillow. In any case, this sallow thing and I stare at each other for a couple of seconds and so I switch out of the texting screen and over to the camera screen and take a picture of this sallow thing.

So anyways, now I got this cycloped sallow thing in my room. Beat.

I'm Explaining The Internet to Somone From The Late Eighteenth Century



pffffffffffffff........Do you know what a typewriter is?


You know what a book is though, right? Good. Alright, so make believe you had this incredible, magical book and through some unimaginable glammer the pages within the book could be changed to say whatever you wanted them to, at a moments notice. You could arrange different lengths of text and pictures, all laid out in any style you deem appropriate for the subject you're...

No. It hasn't anything to do with specters. Or dæmons, no. You have no reason to fear ghosts within the context of what I'm telling you. Think of it as a nice, benevolent magic.

Fuck me - then don't think of it as magic. This really isn't vital to what I'm trying to get across to you, just let it go and give me the benefit of the doubt please.

Okay. so imagine everyone in the civilized world had their own enchanted book. Think of the possibilities for organizing and sharing information! Take it one step further, and imagine all of the enchanted books were able to communicate with one another, continuously archiving whatever information is shared within the network. You could look at anybody's enchanted book whenever you wanted, with a nearly endless selection of books to choose from. All delivered directly to where you happen to be at the moment you decide to request them.

No, see that's the beauty of it. There is no need for a postman, or parcel service. You're not physically exchanging magical books with one another. The books, all the books of the world, come to you.

You're not understanding me, your house doesn't need to be any bigger. It's not a physical library you're compiling. It's digital, all digital.


Electric, Lightening! Like Ben Franklin. The kite and the key and all that bullshit, didn't that happen already?

No, no not like a windmill. Stop, just stop. Forget what I said about kites.

You don't need a room to hold the books, It's all within the one original magic book, that's what I'm trying to tell you. The one book changes into whatever you want it to say. You could either make it say things of your own, or look and read all of the information other people are putting into the book. And the information doesn't just have to be text. It could be music, or videos, or slide shows.

God you have no idea what I'm talking about at all, do you? Repeat back to me what I've said. I want to hear you try and explain it, now, so I can see if any of this has gotten through at all.

Uh-huh. Right, no specters involved. Yes all the knowledge of the world, in real time.

No! Not by harnessing the power of the wind. That wasn't the point of...what? No, sailing is not a more appropriate example. I told you it was magical, the wind is not magical.

I'm not denying it - I'm just not going to debate the magic of an autumn day with you. It's entirely unrelated to...

No I don't go to church anymore...that's none of your business.

You know what? Forget it, this isn't going to work.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

New shit to clog up your Google Reader

I like to fill my tiny mind to the brim with spicy wet shit. That's why I've been reading this personal opinion blog obsessively ever since I found it:

Try it, you'll like it!

Ernest Borgnine FTW!

The video below out does his guest spot on The Simpsons.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Old Timey

Have a look at this gallery of color photos, taken in downtown Manhattan during the summer of 1941.

"One frankfurter hot dog please, my good man!"
"Boy I hear that Hitler fella is stirring up a whole mess of trouble over in Western Europe!"
"Is that so? Here's that frankfurter - Wanna catch the new Gary Cooper picture?"
"Do I!"
"Well put some grease in your gasket and lets get a move on!"
"Nice hat you've got there, Joe!"
"Thanks, Howard!"

via Fark

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Oh But We Go Out At Night

Toronto's Born Ruffians (or as I like to call them Clap Your Cribs Say Modest Mouse) released an awesome album this year called Red Yellow and Blue. Here's the video for the track "I Need a Life"

Catchy shit.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

A Year?

Yep. The Serious Lunch blog is one year old today. Go back through our illustrious archives and frolic in the munificence of our collective wit.

We are sooooo funny you guys.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

What You Can Do (3)

  1. Read about the ever increasing number of uninsured young adults in our fair nation.
  2. Sign up for Hello Health, soon to open in Williamsburg

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

So Many Reasons

There are so many reasons for why I do things the way I do. Its actually a pretty overwhelming thing to try and organize, particularly in a fashion that can be understood by someone else. I'm only going to attempt it because (so help me) I feel that this thing I've got inside me is so great, it needs to be expressed. Please watch - this will be healthy for both of us!

I did what I did because:

  1. was the last one in the box, and that's always the best one.
  2. used to be a lot less willing to try that sort of stuff.
  3. ...the deacon was watching us.
  4. ...pandas have claws for ripping things like that apart.
  5. were asleep when I started.
  6. seemed like a reasonable number at the time.
  7.'s hotter than July, for starters.
  8. said you were done with it.
  9. ...nothing else rhymes with your name.
  10. ...she implied you were serious about self-sacrifice.
  11. was the only place that was open.
  12. ...he has to learn.
  13. ...the mini-feed said she was no longer in a relationship.
  14. asked me to be honest.
  15. ...Rich and Noah were doing it too.
  16. was good enough for our forefathers.
  17. ...things go in and out of style, but tattoos are always gonna be awesome.
  18. ...the handle broke and I literally had no other options.
  19. ...I've been on the other end of that equation too often.
  20.'s a complicated activity and you just weren't getting it.
  21. ...there isn't any horse in horseradish and you know it.
  22. ...people are retarded. That's why.
  23. ...anybody that can't quote cartoons is shady.
  24. ...I took the first taste, and that should count for something.
  25. ...nobody in their right mind would think that's normal.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Where is Everybody?

Glad you asked.

Tim, Anthony and John are off touching tips in Europe. They were in Amsterdam last time I spoke to them, probably figuring out how to not get VD. Rofficer is busy adjusting to his new digs at the House of Fairfax, moving in two months after my departure. It's all part of the Serious Lunch Friend Exchange Program.

And me? I'm where I always am: right above the drop ceiling at the bathroom in your office, listening as you do your awfulness.

Wash your hands.

The other guys don't get back until Friday, so this week's output might be a bit sporadic. Maybe something noteworthy will happen each day, and I'll have plenty to talk about. We'll see. No promises.

Stop looking at me like that.