Thursday, January 31, 2008

Artist Noel Middleton

Canadian Noel Middleton makes nightmares out of yarn, logs, and teeth.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Steve Martin

The act was becoming simultaneously smart and stupid. My version of smart was to imbue a hint of conceptualism into the whole affair...

I had the plumber joke, which was impossible to understand even for plumbers: "OK, I don't like to gear my material to the audience, but I'd like to make an exception, because I was told that there is a convention of plumbers in town this week—I understand about 30 of them came down to the show tonight—so before I came out, I worked up a joke especially for the plumbers. Those of you who aren't plumbers probably won't get this and won't think it's funny, but I think those of you who are plumbers will really enjoy this. This lawn supervisor was out on a sprinkler maintenance job, and he started working on a Findlay sprinkler head with a Langstrom seven-inch gangly wrench. Just then this little apprentice leaned over and said, 'You can't work on a Findlay sprinkler head with a Langstrom seven-inch wrench.' Well, this infuriated the supervisor, so he went and got Volume 14 of the Kinsley manual, and he reads to him and says, 'The Langstrom seven-inch wrench can be used with the Findlay sprocket.' Just then the little apprentice leaned over and says, 'It says sprocket, not socket!' [Worried pause.] "Were these plumbers supposed to be here this show?"

(from the Smithsonian Magazine)

Cartoon Character Skeletons

This guy constructed skeletons of famous cartoon characters. This scars my childhood almost as much as Falcor's Ear Trick (is anyone watching that?).

beware of pop ups...

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Self Depreciating Childhood Nostalgia pt. 1

The summer between 8th and 9th grade all my friends skateboarded. I wanted to fit in to my new group of skateboarding friends so I began putting a lot of time into skating.

One day I invited my friend Chris over to my house. It was the first time I had hung out with him outside school and I wanted to make sure he thought I was a cool dude. After I spoke to him on the phone I brought my skateboard out to the area just inside the front door and started tightening the trucks with a ratchet. It took a while for him to arrive so I was sitting there messing around with my trucks for some time. When he got there he walked up to the screen door and looked inside. I was all like “Oh, come in Chris! I didn’t see you walk up, I was so busy tightening my trucks!”

That day he lent me Quarantine and I never gave it back.

Monday, January 28, 2008

A New Jack Handey Book

Pre-order now and receive this special message from Jack Handey: "Thanks!"

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Radiohead at 93 Feet East

Last week, Radiohead played In Rainbows in it's entirety (plus a few classics during the encore) at a tiny venue in London, 93 Feet East. The show, broken down by song, is available as a YouTube playlist.

And here it is.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Oscar Noms n Quams

For the most part I agree with this year's Oscar Nominations.

There Will Be Blood and No Country For Old Men are getting what they deserve, though it woulda been nice to see Paul Dano get nom for best supporting. And Johnny Greenwood gets disqualified from the race? How lame.

What I don't get is how Juno got nominated for best pic. Really? Juno? I mean yeah, I've never been a 16 year old prego girl. I'm missing that part of my life. But really. Juno? I don't really have any beef with Ellen Page. She's a good actress. But her part was written like a bad Kevin Smith character who's too smart for her own good. And I've known girls like that in high school. And I've seen girls like that in movies before. I guess what I don't get is that people are reacting to Juno like it's this groundbreaking film.

If anyone deserves a nomination from Juno, it's J.K. Simmons and Allison Janney, the father and step mother. Those two characters held what little interest I had in this movie. And I don't mean to sound like a pretentious petey, but what about The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. That movie was an experience, like nothing ever put on film before. And Juno beat it out for a best picture nod?

"How was Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Anthony?"
"Oh it was good. It was no Juno, though."

Yeah, cause that makes complete sense.


Monday, January 21, 2008


New Comedy Videos TODAY!!!

Check out the video page or the myspace page or the facebook page. Or hell, check out below! BELOW!

Falcor's Ear Trick

Last Sip

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Songs inspired by shit movies, pt. 7

Slow Mo-gasm

Hi blog. S'been a long time.

S'been a longer time since I watched a skate video. Probably since high school. I don't really count the CKY vids I watched through out college as skate videos. You shouldn't either.

This is from Fully Flared, a skate vid that has been years in the making. It's pretty cool that Spike Jonze is sticking to his roots with this vid, which he co-directed. This intro is one of the greatest things I've seen on film and it looks just incredible, especially for a skate vid. I saw one segment after the intro and it was regular skate vid type stuff set to Arcade Fire's No Cars Go. I'd like to see the rest of it.

But please, for now, enjoy this awesome, AWESOME opener.

Thanks to Marcus for showin me this.

The Angriest Dog in the World

(From Tom Moody's blog)

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Songs Inspired by Shit Moves pt. 6

Monday, January 14, 2008

Report From the Base Camp

If all clocks on Earth were to suddenly stop it would be comparable to what I have experienced here at the base camp. There are plenty of rations (for now), and all the men are healthy and in high spirits, but we have yet to come to a consensus on our plan of approach to the summit. Every waking minute I spend reviewing again and again my many discussions (read: virulent arguments) with Gladstone and Trevor. Ah… Trevor. He is causing me so much frustration I’m ready to drive a crampon through each of his crust-encircled eyes.

What Trevor doesn’t know… scratch that. Of course he knows; I’ve gone over this a dozen times with him. The fact is he’s incapable of allowing any semblance of reason and rationality to seep into that astoundingly thick skull of his. Trevor refuses to acknowledge that any attempt at the western crevasse would spell death for all parties involved for a number of reasons.

First, the high levels of nitrophosphate originating at the liquid limestone reserves far below at the ledgeset are blown in by the easterly winds unhindered. At that altitude oxygen levels in the human bloodstream are reduced to such a degree the body will force it’s pores to extreme dilation in order to allow more atmosphereic particles into the bloodstream. A man exposed to unadulterated nitrophosphate winds in this condition, no matter how much gore-tex and millflak he’s wearing, will develop embedded rivuettes across his corpus in a matter of minutes. Embedded rivuettes, particularly those located along the creases and hollows of the flesh, attack the lymphatic system’s circulation and eventually bring it grinding to a halt. We would, in short, drown in a pool our own lymph.

Secondly, the amount of silversnow condensation we’ve been able to spot with our somatic wavewraith generators is astounding. Frankly the area is not unlike a mad landscape Dali would envision in one of his nightmarish paranoic-critical renderings. From our current vantage point we have no idea how much silversnow condensation is truly located there, and Trevor, the fool with balls of an ox and brains of a pigeon, insists we will easily conquer it. I doubt even myself, the seventh rated alpinist in the world, could conquer that oblique furrow. Silversnow condensation, among the most deadly geophaltic phenomena on Earth, was once regarded as a friend to the alpinist. A friend! Ha! I put it to you: would a friend with an atomic structure similar to a bamboo forest on its inside, while bearing an atomic structure similar to a Escher staircase on it’s surface, allow you to climb allover him/herself? Would he/she?

As if this weren’t reason enough, I have yet to mention possibility of a civechs infestation. Yes, we have found evidence of a sizable civech colony occupying the western crevasse, and still Trevor is considering it. Not long ago one of our javelin exploratories returned from the granite footcluch near litermark of the western crevasse with a satchel of olo pulp in tow. As every experienced alpinist knows, civechs come down to a lower altitude in the tonal season to gather olo fibres. The civechs combine the raw fibres with a saliva extract to create a pulp, which they then use their anteoccular mandibles to fashion into birthing gauntlets. After the birthing cycle all surviving civechs, young and old, begin their distinctive “shütre-sleink” back up the crevasse and into the sheltered couloirs they call home. It is this pulp I hold in my left hand as I write this very sentence. Any man attempting to drive a boreal icemaster into the western crevasse would be playing The Duchess Cards with his life, for if he does happen to pierce one of these couloirs he would find himself at the mercy of an entire civech colony, in close quarters, in their element, primed and ready. Multiply this by the number of alpinists in the party and we would without a doubt be middlestrung before sundown.

So here I lay in my bivouac, engaged in a perpetual stalemate. The northern fugue and the eastern bergschrund are not without their own dangers (sun slaw and whiteblock lines, respectively), however I have made it extremely clear in the preceding text that they are worlds apart from the Western crevasse. All my dauntless conviction, the brio of my past verves, the sheer physical mass of it, in spite of all this…

And Gladstone? I have seen few alpinists with acuity and athleticism to match his, but in our discussions with Trevor he is as reticent as a duck. When dealing with a dunderhead like Trevor I am more than prepared to wield the dice and I would have, days ago, were it not for the inexplicable rank he holds. How Trevor managed to manipulate his way into his current position I cannot say, but the excursatory rift torn by his puerility is in immediate need of mending.

If light were alive it would dream, and the dreams would transcend all corporeal burden and anoint focus to the singular conclusion of all narratives, upon yonder peak, at the summit. And here I remain, at the base camp.

Carl on This Week's Giants Victory

Like me, our friend Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force is a huge New York Football Giants fan. Big Blue pulled off a nice upset of The Dallas Cowgirls yesterday, and Carl has a few insights to toss our way. Enjoy.

Thanks to Rich M (Loved By Magmo!)

Friday, January 11, 2008

Sylvester Stallone Is Going To Tell You How He Wants This Next Shot To Look

Ey YO yeah so the guy, the camera guy he's over there right...and he uh, he's uh...

He's like EY LOOK AT ME...but don't look! Right? Don't look in the camera.

::You nod::

DONT LOOK AT HIM! Just keep pointing the rifle over at the guy over there. You see that guy? That guy there who looks like me. He's my "double"

::makes finger quotes as he says this::

He's gonna be standing in for me cause I'm over here directing. The guy with the camera is waiting to hear me and he's gonna push the button after I scream "GO!", right?

::You nod::

Alright so after I scream you lift up the rifle and you stand there and with the murbbon libbingrem ...::unintelligible::...

So! Cinematogramy aside...

::clears throat::

I want this shot to be like, if you're sitting watchin this...I want it to be a shot where you're like, the viewer, when you're watching it. Uh...

:: he looks at nothing for 4 seconds::

When you see it you see you and you've got the rifle, Right? Like you're gonna shoot Rambo. They gotta know you wanna shoot Rambo. You wanna shoot Rambo right? That's gonna be your "inspiration" ::finger quotes again::

::You nod::

Don't look in the camera.

Alright EY YO Alright Yeah So this shot you're lookin at all this shit up in the trees and you're there and you're like lost, kinda thinking to yourself, right?

::You nod::

And you're this pretty lady right but your all fucked up and you're here in 'Nam with Rambo, right? And you're all like "eeeeh whaaats all this uh...

::uncomfortably long::

...whats uh all this going on here? What's this shit up in the trees?"

And they can't know what you see yet, you know? The people watchin it they ain't gonna know! They can't know cause I didn't show them yet. But I'm gonna show you and then uh through you uh...they uh, discover it. Through you. Cause you can see it. I'll bring them in through your eyeballs.

So you just keep lookin up at all this shit, and you're walkin along kinda fucked up. But you're walkin looking up at all that shit.

But there won't be anything there so you gotta act it, alright?

::You nod::

Don't look in the camera.

Look at that shit. ::he points::

Up there.

Cloverfield Spoilers

It's a big Mick Jagger

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Mental Functionality Examination

1: Please have a seat.

2: Is this seat ok?

1: Yes, of course. Please, sit.

2: Thank you. This is a nice chair.

[1 shuffles through some of his papers]

1: Alright this won’t take long. I’m going to show you some images and I would like you to tell me what you see.

2: Sure, that sounds pretty easy.

1: Yes, it is easy. I would like you to describe anything that comes to mind when you see the image. Anything at all will be helpful.

2: I can do that.

1: Yes. Let’s begin.

[1 presents the first image mounted on a thick cardstock]

2: That is a bunch of products arranged for display on a grey cloth. Some of the products are food, some are books. There is a puzzle. One of the products is actually a drink.

1: That’s good. Anything else?

2: These products all bear English text.

1: Excellent. Now on to the next image.

[1 presents the second image, also on thick carkstock]

2: That is a valley between two mountains. Or are they hills?

1: I cannot answer that question. I need you to tell me what you see, not ask what you see.

2: Oh, ok. That is a valley between two mountains. There's a road with some cars on it. I think there is a building next to the road but the image isn’t large enough to tell for sure. There are also some trees all around.

1: Wonderful. Are you ready to move on to the next image?

2: Yes, that would be fine.

[1 presents a thick cardstock featuring the third image]

2: That’s a picture of Arizona, right?

1: You tell me.

2: Oh, ok. That's a picture of Arizona. It’s all purple. The text across it says “Arizona speedway kart state championship series.” There are some dots on it.

1: Please, continue.

2: It looks like the topography of the state has been rendered in this picture.

1: Thank you so much, you’ve made this very enjoyable for me.

2: Thank you as well.


Since we now live in the TCAP era (as I believe it will come to be known, historically), awareness of what our kids are saying online is more important than ever. Luckily, there are a multitude of resources out there for parents who need help deciphering the crazy slang kids are using during their online internet virtual avatar cyberchats. These usually consist of nothing more than a bulleted list of LMAOs and TTYLs with translations attached for the acronym-challenged.

Not the case here, courtesy of the good people over at WMTW, news and weather for the greater Portland area. Not only have I never heard of most of these, I can't recall seeing one with a similar emphasis on graphic design. Look at this:

Click the image to see the entire slideshow. I can remember when LOL and ROFL were exciting and new. Now I don't know what's what. I used to be with it, but then they changed what 'it' was. Now what I'm with isn't 'it', and what's 'it' seems weird and scary to me. And it will happen to you!

Mr. Picassohead

Mr. Picassohead is a sweet little site that lets you build your own face in the unmistakable style of the most historically significant person ever named Pablo (Prove me wrong kids. Prove me wrong!).

This here is a little masterpiece I just threw together for ya there.

You can even enter your signature and it inserts it in a little Picasso font! AAAH!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

So The Golden Globes Are Cancelled

And I couldn't care less! Especially since we still have Golden Retrievers!

I'd kind of be pissed off if they canceled the Academy Awards, but it's not like they aren't still going to name winners.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

These Mice Are All Fucked Up

These hipster mice are having an awesome time at a drugs party.

This nifty interactive flash animation
gives a simplified (but interesting) explanation as to why. Not why they decided to have a drugs party (they were bored) but what's happening on a chemical level in their little rodent brains during their 'Lost Squeek-end'.

Also, "I Had a Lost Squeek-End in Greenpoint" T-Shirts available soon.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Songs Inspired by Shit Moves pt. 4

Tragedies With Heavy Nerd Casualties, Along the Lines of an Arcade Fire

Comicon Stampede
BattleBot Coup D'etat
Watership Down
Dark Tower Collapse
LAN Party-Quake
Picard Jihad
Ubuntu Famine
AquaTeen Hunger Strike
Star Wars

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Songs inspired by shit movies pt.3