Saturday, December 29, 2007

Songs Inspired by Shit Movies pt.2



Healthy New Year!

Long days and pleasant nights in 2008

Friday, December 28, 2007

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas Movie House!

I can't believe I found this. It was tucked away in one of my Christmas Shoes.

My pre-filled in Mad Lib of this scene from the holiday classic, "It's A Wonderful Life". Take a guess at which words were filled in by me. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

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George Baily: Just a minute - just a minute. Now, hold on, Mr. Potter. You're right when you say my father was no bacon. I know that. Why he ever started this slang-tang, penny-ante Building and Farts, I'll never know. But neither you nor anyone else can say anything against his bacon farts, because his whole life was - why, in the twenty-five quams since he and Uncle Lando Calrissian started this thing, he never once thought of himself. Isn't that right, Uncle Lando Calrissian? He didn't save enough chicken hearts to send Harry to school, let alone me. But he did help a few people get out of your slung, Mr. Potter, and what's wrong with that? Why - here, you're all heady nugs here. Doesn't it make them better penis farts? Doesn't it make them better horseradish cheeses? You - you said - what'd you say a breem ago? They had to wait and save their eggs before they even ought to think of a decent larva. Wait? Wait for what? Until their knee slugs grow up and leave them? Until they're so low and dirty down that they... Do you know how flong it takes a working man to save five thousand peanut brittle and marmalade sandwiches? Just remember this, Mr. Potter, that this gooey membrane you're talking about... they do most of the creeping and receiving and grundling and dying in this gang-off. Well, is it too much to have them poop and poop and peep and die in a couple of decent rooms and a bath? Anyway, my father didn't frang so. People were human grodos to him. But to you, a warped, carpy old man, they're carps, fish carps. Well, in my book he died a much more grime ridden man than you'll ever be. Cupcakes made of crap.

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Happy Holidays.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Important Scientific Breakthroughs in the Career of Steve Urkel

Steve Urkel is known, amongst other things, for having invented devices that were previously thought of as impossible whithin the scientific community. These include:

  • the Urkel Bot (Many Other Functions), an intelligent robot that fell in love with Laura Winslow and briefly became a police officer.
  • the Transformation Chamber, which turned Urkel into an entire february sweeps worth of hilarious characters. Urkel was known to regularly pull level two and three Norbits following the transformation chamber breakthrough. These wackies famously included Stefan Urquelle, and (less famously) Black Elvis. Initally, the effects were temporary, but this error was corrected in subsequent versions of the chamber's firmware.
  • Boss Sauce, a serum created by Urkel through genetic engineering that would multiply the very few 'cool genes' he had. Combined with the effects of the Transformation Chamber, this serum turned Urkel into the aforementioned, cool and suave Stefan.
  • the Expansion Machine, which made objects bigger, except for a few instances when it would malfunction and shrink things instead;
  • the Cloning Machine, which created a second Urkel, but only after a significant delay. As a result, Urkel initially thought the machine didn't work. Eventually, the resulting clone was permanently turned into Stefan;
  • the Urk-pad was a teleportation pad which sent Urkel to Paris; and back.
  • the Time Machine, which Urkel knew was functional before a single viability trial had been performed. Steve recieved the advance confirmation when Carl Winslow saw a "Future Urkel" appear in the living room. Later, after combining the power of the time machine with his unprecedented Urk-Pad capabilities, he could "travel anywhere in history." (This is a fact).
  • Ice in a can. Simple. Brilliant. Ice in a Can.
  • Termites that consume wood thousands of times faster than normal. Practical and terrifying.
  • Love potion (with antidote in case of j/k's!!).
  • the Lawn chair, an actual piece of furniture that Urkel modified to sprout grass on the exterior. The man had a sense of humor about his genius.
and finally...
  • Vegetable Bombs. During the same furious creation session that produced his revolutionary lawn chair, Urkel invented vegetables that explode. In the late 90's, he was in negotiations to sell this design to the US Military. There is no word of this being either completed or abandoned.

Oddly enough, these inventions were the only unrealistic elements of the Family Matters show, and most plotlines were far more based in reality.




adapted from wikipedia

Monday, December 17, 2007

2007 - Good Enough For a Poke

Damn 2007, where you goin at this hour baby? I feel like we just got started. I've been in too many relationships where I was too afraid to say something, to feel something maybe? Maybe I was just scared I actually found someone that I cared for, and now all we have left are 14 cold days. It's just that I haven't felt this way in a long time about a year, and ya know what? I like who I am because of it. There I said it. And it feels SOOO good to say.

There's so much to say, yet the words are just words. They come from the heart baby. Remember all those albums we listened to together? Those were ours. New music from Aqueduct and Clap Your Hands made us so happy. Remember that night we fell asleep listening to Sigur Ros? Sure they were just acoustics and b-sides, but they were our acoustics and b-sides. And if we weren't sleepin, which we usually weren't, we were gettin doubled up by R. Kelly. I miss those nights, girl. One sided phone conversations never tasted so sweet.

Shhh girl you don't have to cry.

Just think about all them Shins we winced to. The night away. There it is! There's that smile I fell in love with. I knew you had it in you. Dry that eye. We got a new Radiohead this year with excellent results. And Arcade Fire showed us how gloomy could be fun! And sure the new Stars, and Kevin Drew's solo album were just OK, but Feist held that Broken Social Scene torch way up high, and we saw it, and we cried. Remember when we used to cry together? Trent Reznor doesn't. He's still packin em in, makins me scareds. Modest Mouse too. Maybe not their best album, but it was damn good, and if damn good is all we have, that's fine. Because it's something WE have. Together.

The list goes on honey, and I'm sure there are some I'm missing, but isn't that what love is all about. Yeah Sir Paul only had a few good songs off Memory Almost Full, but we sang them through the night. And yeah Wilco went all adult contemporary, but it was our adult contemporary, and they can't take that away from us. Remember when we did it like rabbits to the new Bogdan? And then smoked some cigs after, listening to Okkervil River and thought about movies?

Remember when we thought you were preggers, and we went to see Knocked Up and laughed our worries away. I do. And it took about 20 years but we finally got a Simpsons Movie, and it was pretty damn good. What about when you were like "Wes Anderson always makes the same movie," and I was like ,"2007, I will fucking cut your throat if you don't shut up." And we saw Darjeeling and it was superb. I've never seen you cry like that after that night I threatened to cut your throat. But you saw me cry during Atonement and Diving Bell and the Butterfly, so no big whoops. We got a new Coen Bros, AND a new PTA. You loved cringing during the brutality of No Country For Old Men, yet were so bored with There Will Be Blood. What the fuck is wrong with you. Are you just stupid or retarded. That movie kicked almost every other movie's ass. And you were bored. Fuck you and your high horse 2007. Fuck you.

No, no, I'm sorry baby. Don't cry. Listen, let's just play some Mario Galaxy and forget this ever happened. If you get all 120 stars you get Luigi. Remember Luigi? Yeah? He flails his legs when he jumps. Remember that from Mario 2? Ok. Lets get Luigi.

I love ya 2007. More than any year in recent memory. And I don't say that much. When I do I mean it. I love you. And I want the whole world to know.

But I'll probably still hook up with someone else on New Years. Because ya know. It's New Years. And chicks want me.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

There Will Be Blood / Blame The Fat Guy

A couple of friends and I sat down to see an advance copy of P.T. Anderson's new joint There Will Be Blood last week. I'm an unabashedly huge fan of his first four movies, and when I heard that Johnny Greenwood was doing the score, I began a year long anticipatory pants shitting.

To say the finished product is his best film thus far is an understatement. I think it's one of the best films of the decade and I'm hard pressed to think of a better one in the past five years. Daniel Day Lewis is remarkable. The first fifteen minutes of the movie have no dialogue. It's just him on screen, going about his business (no spoilers) and you can't look away. The cinematography is outstanding (such mise!) and the aforementioned Greenwood score of dissonant, uneasy strings is so incredibly compelling it almost becomes its own character. It's effect on how you perceive the events onscreen is that prominent. It only gets better once Daniel Day Lewis starts to talk. The character he creates, Daniel Plainview, is the most entertaining anti-hero I've seen since Hannibal Lecter. And anti-hero might not even be the right word since, like life, Anderson presents us with neither good guys nor bad guys, just people.

However you classify his character, there's only one way to classify his performance: Remarkable. (That was my stab at sounding like the guys on Metacritic).

Paul Dano is also outstanding, as a charismatic preacher in a rural town that finds himself at odds with Plainview and his plans for the community and surrounding area. I'm trying to stay vague here because I really think this is a movie that benefits from a 'clean slate' on the viewers part.

It comes out December 26th.

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Changing gears, there's a video of ours that is eliciting some negative responses from the Internet community. To be fair, there are just as many positive messages as profanity laden missives of hate. But the angry comments have been much more interesting to me. It's not that I didn't expect them, far from it in fact. What did surprise me is that I in particular am continually being singled out as a fat piece of shit. There are a couple of variations on the theme, but basically that's the gist of it: I am a worthless fat fuck and I deserve to die.

Maybe it's because I'm the easiest to pick on, as I'm the only overweight guy in the group. People could find other things to mock, like Tim's scoliosis or Anthony's perfectly straight, silky pubic hair (he irons it every night), but the fat guy will always take the brunt of the abuse. It was true in middle school, and it's true now. I think when it's all said and done, I'm going to take all of the comments that are about me and self publish them. If you want a copy, send me an email.

Friday, December 7, 2007

...And We Are Live!



Thanks to everyone who helped us along the way.

New Comedy Videos, now and forever, at SERIOUSLUNCH.com

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Serious Launch: ThE jUmP oFf!!