Friday, November 30, 2007

Motherfuckas Act Like They Forgot About Mise

Here is an entry from author John Baker's blog "Reflections of a Working Writer and Reader". It's part one in a series titled Learning to Write, and it’s changed the way I've been thinking about books and movies recently.

We are in the process of feeling out a way of saying one thing in terms of another. We are searching for a metaphor.

Ezra Pound said, The natural object is always the adequate symbol. Write this down and stick it on the wall. It will keep you grounded and allow you to fly. The thing, the object, will always do the work of carrying feeling.

Seek out an objective correlative (Eliot), that is a working image, an outward sign of an inner state. These are examples:

There must have been a draft for the flame flickered and I thought it was out. But I shielded it with my hand and it burned up again to light me along the dark passage. Jean Rhys, Wide Sargasso Sea.

After my brother had been killed, my mother scarcely ever left this house and its grounds. I think she tried to forget that su
ch a land as Germany existed. She began to study Hebrew and to concentrate her whole mind upon ancient Jewish history and literature. Christopher Isherwood, Goodbye to Berlin.

He groaned again and sat up, running fingers through his tousled dark hair, squeezing his temples between the heels of his palms. His lips were dry and brownly encrusted. He ran his tongue over them and made a distasteful face. Then he rose, coughing a little, took off his gloves and overcoat, dropped them on the sofa, and went into the bathroom. Dashiell Hammett, The Glass Key.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Good Idea : Bad Idea

I'm still not impressed with the Zune. Here is why:

Good Idea: Encouraging consumers to use your online stores by giving them unlimited downloads for 15$ a month.

Bad Idea: Revoking access to any music on same consumers hardware when they cancel their subscription.

Good Idea: Smoking prescription marijuana for a painful case of Glaucoma.

Bad Idea: Buying Microsoft products.

Microsoft and Sony should get together and take turns circle-jerking all over their customers. I think getting cum in my eyes once a week would be less frustrating than operating a PC every day.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Good News, Everyone!

Happy Futurama Day! Go buy ten copies of Bender's Big Score today, so the sales figures become inflated and FOX has no choice but to order 22 new episodes.

::waving fist::
Dooo iittt

SeeqPod Music beta - Playable Search

Monday, November 26, 2007

Feel Good About Yourself

Yeah! It is important to feel good about yourself!

An easy (and popular!) way to accomplish this is feeling good at the expense of other people. For instance, consider those who've got it worse off than you.

And an easy way to go about doing that can be found

Look Like a Doosh! [sic]

Wear this!

for sale at

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Tryptophan Nappies Whilst Visiting Your Pappies

It's a short week, so we're going to wrap up the Serious Lunch blog until after Thanksgiving.

This is also kind of a special occasion as you, dear reader, are bearing witness to the 100th post in the brief history of our weblog. So in the spirit of celebration, I have a request. It's not much, but it will take a bit of effort on your part, and for that I thank you in advance.

I'd like to ask you to do more than just watch Megarotic all weekend. I know it's incredible. I know its the site you wake up with each day. I know It's tempting to max out your eight video limit first thing each morning. Fight it. Build a bridge, get over it. Gauge, Devon, Jenna Haze, Penny Flame, Kacey and all their friends will be there waiting for you, any old time you like. Why not really embrace and enjoy this holiday weekend? Take advantage of the writer's strike to read some good books (we're full of suggestions, just ask). You could also get some serious mileage out of your Netflix account by actually watching all the movies you claim to have seen. Imagine the weight that would be lifted off your shoulders next time your friends are discussing the mise in Barry Lyndon! The same could be said for bands/albums that you claim to have heard. Why not really listen to them this week? Just Seeqpod that bitch and instantly become less of a credibility lacking, dick sniffing philistine. You owe it to yourself. Go to the gym, write a folk song, play with matches...just get out there. They'll be plenty of time for baitin' next week. This one is for you. This one is for us. It's a magical world, Hobbes old buddy. Let's go exploring!

Monday, November 19, 2007

The Friend Test

Dear Tim

I just want you to know, like, we're good friends right? It's been, what? Seven years since we discovered our mutual fascination with Eraserhead and weird movies and shit? So like, we're good friends and all, but I wanted you to know that, like, if there were a situation where, let's say, I get to bang all of the Spice Girls at once, at the expense of our friendship - I would probably bang the Spice Girls. I mean, dude, we're good friends right? But, like, I can't pass up a quintuple team that includes Victoria Beckham. Ok, so let's say like, maybe if it were only Scary Spice. If it were only Scary I'd turn the offer down. She's be all like, "hey Bob, come get your dick wet!" And I'd be all like, "bitch don't you know 'bout bros before hoes?!" And she'd be all "Hmmm, I'm hot!" And I'd be all like, "Quit trippin'! Get your shitty curls straightened out you Scary Ho. Why you so Scary! Daaaaamn!"

Yours Truly,

B Boy O

Friday, November 16, 2007

In The Club with Dirty Foot Bitches?

Riskay (The Drama Queen) instructs us on an effective way to monitor your man's fidelity.

This one goes out to Bill Keenly, whom for entirely different reasons is willing to smell yo man's dick free of charge. (contact: 834-549-0392)

(Via Jersey City's Laura Miller)

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Johnny Cash: Hurt:: Billy Joel: Famous Last Words

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Tim's a Picky Eater

Monday, November 12, 2007

Man Dies of What?

Of The Plague?

Come on.

Let that be a lesson to all you wildlife biologists out there: No necropsy for that dead mountain lion you found in the hills. You could get the fucking black death.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Enough With the Burps in my Face

I’m all done with your burps in my face. Do you know what a burp is? It’s a bullet from a fucking gun, fucker. Why do you think it’s ok to do that? Shit stinks. Fuck that. Shit stinks. No more burping and holding your mouth open like Marla Singer exhaling a cigarette. No more burping and huffing into my face like someone huffing to make condensation on the car window so they can draw a dick on their friends’ car. No more burping and fucking blowing it like the fat guy in Baron Von Munchausen. None of it at all I’m fucking sick of it and your going to make me cry if you keep it up. You asshole. If you could fart and blow it in my face I bet you would do that too. It’s the same thing, what you’re doing. I breathe, and I like to breathe air that’s never been in your fat fucking gut. You know what? No burps on any part of me. No burps on my lap, no burps on my hair, my belt, no burps up my ass. But especially no burps in my face.
Guess what? Fuck you, cut it out with your burps.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Halcyon (\Hal"cy*on\) - adj 1: idyllically calm and peaceful; suggesting happy tranquillity

In the halcyon days of my youth, I might have been ashamed to say I hadn't seen all of these.

10 most disturbing films

via digg
I would like to suggest another candidate.

What The Writers Strike Will Be Like

This is a comic I drew to illustrate what it will be like in the coming weeks if the Writer's Guild stays out on strike. Nota Bene: I am the greatest artist to ever grace the planet.

It gets bigger if you click on it.

That's what she said.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Procrastinate For a Cause

Work sucks. Peeps be starvin'. What a world.

"But I'm just one wittle baby man. What can I do?"

FreeRice, brainchild of e-philanthropist John Breen (TheHungerSite and, will donate ten grains of rice to the World Food Programme for each correct definition you choose for a vocabulary word. The words range from the ordinary to obscure, the mundane to 'Balderdash' caliber.

From the Seattle Times:

Now, admittedly, 10 grains is a piddling amount. But the totals have grown exponentially. On Oct. 7, the day the site launched, 830 grains of rice were donated. Barely a bowlful. Eight days later, the total was 6,403,920. By Thursday, 537,163,380 grains of rice had been donated. That's more than 14 metric tons.

So in lieu of playing Bejeweled for the umpteenth time, do your part to eradicate world hunger. You'll learn new words.

And your mammies will be proud.

Monday, November 5, 2007

I Did It All For Tanooki So You Could Take That Cookie

I would say at this point in my life I'm happy with the way things are going. I have a job, good friends, and I'm making movies ( launching soon! No really).

I look at my life as a series of moments leading up to a big event. Or just AN event. There are the yearly ones like Christmas, and my birthday. Then there are bigger ones, like a family member's wedding, or graduating from college.

Last year around this time, I was fist-elbow-shoulder deep in Wii anticipation. It was the only thing on my horizon. I would talk to my housemates about how after the Wii launched, we would all be better people. There would be world peace. Landlords wouldn't collect rent. They would just wanna come over, make a cute Mii of themselves, and bowl 10 frames. Maybe reminisce about Toe Jam and Earl because they heard so much about it, but didn't have it in Poland. Dogs and cats would live together, cockroaches wouldn't lay eggs inside people, and if they did, the eggs would be Easter Eggs and it would be an honor to have them hatch inside of you. An Honor and nothing less.

None of that stuff happened. Cept the Wii launched and it was neat.

One year later, I find myself feeling almost the same way I felt last year if not more excited because Super Mario Galaxy comes out in a week. A week! Fucking Mario Galaxy. A new Mario game is... I dunno. It's life changing. I remember every day I got every Mario game, where I was, the first time I pressed power and saw the opening screen, playing them, beating them. When I warped to world 4, Mario was there. The first time I made that seemingly impossible jump on 8-1, Mario was there. When I beat Wart (and it was all a shitty dream), when I turned into a statue via the tanooki suit, warped with whistle, Mario was there. When I raced the penguin down the ice slide for fun even though I beat him five times before, or chased the rabbit through the basement of the castle, or turned into Metal Mario, that was when Mario and I walked together. When I couldn't find the rocket pack in Delfino Plaza, or when Shadow Mario swiped my waterpack while falling into a bonus world with the a cappella Mario music playing, was when Mario carried me.

There's no real point to this post. I'm just really excited. A character who's been a part of me for over 20 years has a new game coming out. Is it sad that it's one of the only things on my mind right now? I don't think so. Not at all. All I'm sayin is...

"Stranger, if you passing meet me and desire to speak to me, why should you
not speak to me?
And why should I not speak to you?
Because I am on my way to play Mario Galaxy so shut the fuck up."

-Walt Whitman

Smell ya later. Smell ya later forever.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Did you hear?

I'm perfect!
Lets move on.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

My First Chumby

Chumby is a small beanbag with a touchscreen computer inside it. It's opensource so anyone can develop programs or modifications for it, as opposed to the iphone/ipod and the wii (the other big alt-web products. At this point however it has no keyboard application- it only runs stuff specifically designed for it.) Chumby has flash capabilities too, so it can play games and video. When you hook your ipod to it it acts like a stereo.

It's $180 including shipping. To be clear, this device is in no way a necessity; it's a toy. In fact I'm not sure how much I'll use it. If anything, I've bought a really neat alarm clock. I bet it will develop a seeqpod-esque music program, a calender application, and a news ticker RSS type thing. I'm usually the last guy to get a new gadget, but I happen to have a little extra money and this thing seems cool.

In Defense of "Cavemen"

Everybody wants to hate on my Cro-Magnon brothers, but New York Magazine has an article online in defense of it's survival as a weekly series. Critics are absolutely destroying it, but I think those scores are more indicative of all the horrible buzz leading up to the premier than people actually watching the episodes that have been broadcast. I've seen them all and, honestly, its better than 90% of what passes for network comedy these days. It's nothing revolutionary, but the scripts are tight and the characters are likeable. One of my favorite aspects of the show is the blandness of the three caveguys that are the show's main focus. They're written as total polo-wearing, racquetball playing whiteboys, who happen to still be at odds with society in general, and subject to racial stereotypes and bigotry because of their hairy beast-man appearance. The humor isn't as broad as you would expect, and the situations they find themselves in our generally interesting. Again, nothing outside of the normal sitcom fare we expect. Just well executed and engaging, which is more than you can say about a lot of shit out there.

Also people were having a fit that the 'original' caveman from the Geico ads wasn't in the show, but that's not the case. He's a supporting character named Maurice and has a number of funny scenes and one-liners.

So there you have it. The show is above average and the ratings are serviceable enough to warrant an order for a full season. I don't know how sustainable the premise is, but it deserves a fair shake.

Best Analysis of The OK Computer/ In Rainbows Theory