Thursday, September 6, 2007

The Voice in My Head

In light of America's obesity problem, I thought I'd like to share a simple technique that has kept my waistline from expanding. My methodology does not involve speed pills, starvation, Richard Simmons tapes, or intimidating machines with names like "Ab Chiseler Pro," or "Dick Sexier-er 9000."

Are you overweight? Do your saggy man-boobs make that hot co-worker look at you with her lips pursed in that sour lemon face that makes you imagine how awesome it would be to lick her mouth even as she wordlessly shoots you down?

Three words: R. Lee Ermey(Some readers may have to Wiki that).

Here's what you do - pretend the actor/former drill sergeant is having a conversation with you at all times. This can be disconcerting at first, but the size of your balls will increase two-fold in a few weeks (Note: This is not an actual size increase, it is due to the fact that your shrinking stomach will allow you to actually see your balls).

In fact, if you can get Girltalk to mash-up the beginning of Full Metal Jacket to like, KFDM and have that playing on an iPod permanently grafted to your bulbous, encephalitic-like head, even better!

Here's an idea of what it's like:

"Oh man, I really wanted to jog a mile tonight, but it's sprinkling outside."
"How tall are you son?"
"Huh? What? I'm like five-nine."
"HOLY SHIT! I didn't know they made pussies that wide!"
"Hey that's pretty mean dude."
"Shut your goddamn hole before I break your jaw and skull fuck you you pot-
bellied nerd!"
"What? I don't have to listen to -"
"Put your filthy hands on your chest!"
"Do it!" (slaps)
"Okay" (whimpers)
"Squeeze them! You best enjoy it because these are the only tits you
get to touch! Do you get me!"
"Yes sir!"
(Ermey throws your copy of Metroid Prime 3 onto the neighboring roof)
"Oh, were you playing that?"
"Maybe if you do a situp I'll get it down for you! Now get down and give me

Fat problem solved. Next issue.


Billy said...

I'm like 3 hours into Metroid Prime: Corruption. It's fantastic.