Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Icky Hump (HaHa! Yessssssssss!)

Now that we’ve all fallen asleep watching the Meg White sex tape (I don’t think it’s her), I’m going to raise a couple of questions that have been on my mind since yesterday morning. This won’t take long, so stay with me here.

Come to think of it, fuck you if you were about to stop reading. Why even begin, then? I shouldn’t have to ask for your attention, you began this of your own free will. I’m sorry if I can’t be as immediately engaging as Andrew Lloyd Weber’s The Phantom of the Opera.

Now then -

Question the first : You’ve made the decision to videotape yourself boning/getting boned. Excellent. Now, what do you see as the ‘best-case scenario’ for the tape, following that night of passion? Unless you’re a Bob Crane type, its probably best locked away in some hope chest or linen cabinet or hope cabinet. Nobody else’s eyes are meant to caress your pock marked fat rolls; it was just for you.

But was it really? What are you ever going to do with it? Will you ever be hanging out on a weekday night with your sweetie, feeling a little scandalous, wanting to take a memory trip down doggy door lane? Most likely not. Especially considering one can simply have new sex. Popping in an old tape of yourself screwing? That’s like watching a shitty VHS of The Phantom of the Opera instead of being right there, Orchestra Row B, when the chandelier comes crashing down and the score reaches that incredible crescendo that sends shivers down my neck and spine.

So it seems to me that the tape could either a) sit unwatched, festering in some basement hope cabinet next to your linens, not unlike that titular Phantom from Phantom of the Opera or b) become misplaced and be passed around by your asshole friends.

And if you’re famous you can substitute “anyone with high speed internet” for “your asshole friends”.

It’s just not the best idea for anyone involved. Make a real porno, get paid for it for christ’s sake. Enjoy the objectification.

But nobody wins with a shitty, poorly lit, ‘static camera on a tripod’ clip of you plowin’ your old lady. Not you. Not me squinting my eyes trying to see what’s goin into where…nobody. So stop making sex tapes Meg White. You’re no Phantom. Not even close. So knock it off.

Question Two – Do you guys like Phantom of the Opera?