The New Supreme Leader of My Cult Sure Is Talking About "The Ultimate Sacrafice" A Lot

I don't even know what to think anymore. Not because I've been brainwashed, or anything shady like that. I'm still the same person I've always been since I was broken down and rebuilt in Tarkkon's image five years ago. But this new guy in charge is impossible to warm up to. I don't get his appeal, and I really don't understand why he was chosen to take us into the second epoch over someone as qualified as I am.

Honestly, it's hard to remember why I even joined this cult in the first place, almost as hard as it is to remember what my life was like before I embraced Tarkkon (all glory unto him). When our beautiful, perfect leader L. John Gibbard passed from this realm and was called up to Mount Pharginne to take his rightful place next to Tarkkon, everyone was trying to tell me things would be exactly the same around here. But I knew better! I just knew there was something off about this new guy. And now I get to cult practice this morning (only like, five minutes late, calm the fuck down everyone) and he's up at L. John's podium, talking yet again about how "one day soon, praise Tarkkon, we'll all need to follow his example and make the ultimate sacrifice".

Give me a break, new guy. First of all, you're not even fit to wash L. John's sacred culottes, don't go tossing about his realm shifting as part of your hackneyed, ra-ra "go team" bullshit. And secondly, of all the Extra-Terrestrial Omnipowerful Demigods in the cosmos to name drop, Tarkkon should be the last E.T.O.D this loser mentions. A being as perfect as Tarkkon knows when he's being sold a load of shit, and sister - this guy is moving it by the bucket-full. Don't you think once we undertake our pilgrimage to Pharginne, Tarkkon (all glory) is going to remember who was steadfast and remained true to the teachings of L. John and who was just an ass-faced poseur ordering me to mop the latrines for the SIXTH TIME EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE CLEAN AFTER THE FIRST TIME?

I'm not angry, though. Supreme Leader Ass-Face can talk all he wants about the "ultimate sacrifice". I know the real score. Me and Tarkkon "One", Ass-Face "Zero". Back when L. John was still with us, he would never have allowed someone of my stature within the org to be disrespected and insulted by a Glermax-come-lately like this douche. Manual labor? When I'm in my fifth year? It's not like we all didn't get our turn through the salt mines, bucko. We did - we all most certainly did. Bitch, I went through twice just to show L.John how serious I was. But now you wanna run around and talk about guns Like I ain't got none? What you think I sold 'em all 'cause I stay well off?

Please, new guy. Don't even.

When that glorious day comes, and I'm honored enough to lay it all down and start the second epoch, I'll be ready for it. I won't need you there to remind me about it, just like I don't need you here now yapping your fucking yap about it. All praise be to Tarkkon, and screw this new guy who's making me peel potatoes all goddamn afternoon.

I'm offended by your stupid appearance!

This is a real guy who is not kidding with the way he looks. His hair is unbelievable! It must be a parody of people that try too hard to look interesting. He's throwing up a disinterested "rock" sign because making that gesture is so unoriginal it's become a joke. And look at his American Spirits. Girl jeans pulled down, short necktie, Hebrew wrist tattoo/ Greek forearm tattoo, Tim2K arm bands. Hippie bracelets for girls. How can someone do this to themselves and not be a clown? This guy must be making a joke for all of us to laugh at. But he isn't joking!


His band is called Never Shout Never. Everyone was wishing for an Avril Lavigne but a dude and more shitty, and this band has provided it.

Serious Lunch on MTV's Alexa Chung Show

Your boyfriends from Serious Lunch will be on MTV's It's on with Alex Chung Wednesday (today) at 12:00 noon, making jokes and making friends! If you're around try to be in the audience and laugh really hard.

Video Game Everythings

I was just binging the names of Super Mario enemies when I found these videogame/ movieposter mashups. I chuckled a little bit to myself. I was like "heh, heh." Then I rolled my eyes in a really funny way (think Jon Stewart), and let out a playful sigh, like "whooooooo!" and said to myself "you're posting too much nerdy shit on your blog!" But then I made this really badass bull-grunt, like "hnnnngh", and was like "fuck y'all" and had sex. So, you know.












via RP Online

John Hodgman Tests Obamas Nerd Cred

The answers our venerable leader failed to answer were of course:

1) Shai Hulud
2) The device is called "a thumper"
3) "The Water of Life,"

I'll take Padishah Dynasty History for 500$ John Hodgman.

No Thanks

Doesn't sound fun.

My Future is an Open Book

Holy shit, people. By 2011 I'll finally be able to get my giraffe degree. Personally I was thinking about going for my giraffe masters, but if it takes only 2 years, I might as well go for my giraffe doctoral. A buddy of mine got his bachelors in giraffes back in '04. What a waste of four years. Who knew the giraffe education system would flourish in '09? Who knew? I didn't, that's for sure. Thank you Firefox for not preventing this pop-up.

First

I do this thing where I constantly walk in front of people, because I have to be first... and I'm well aware of it. Whether you're a hot chick, an ugly dude, an old grampy, or a young scampy, get out the way because I will be first.

When getting off the elevator, I don't care if you are a pregnant woman with bound feet, I don't have time to stand behind your saunter. I should obvi be first. If I'm on line at the grocery shop, and you are ahead of me, I will throw your plantains and wheat germ down the aisle, and when you come back from fetching your foods, I will already be checked out and on my way home. At the bar, I don't care if you get there before me or know the bartender or just want water. I will smash a pint glass in your face like Leo DeCaps in The Departs, and will be first to drink. After all, first to drink, first to drunk.

FIRST!

If I come home at night and you're already there sleeping, I will slap you in the face and do that thing where I fake break an egg on your head by spreading my fingers through your hair, and you will wake up. Then I'll take some ambien and fall asleep before you. If I see a funny blog post, and you comment first and write in all caps 'FIRST', I will take a screenshot, photoshop your name out and replace it with my own. Then I will make it my desktop for an hour.

Just so I know I'm first.

Strongly Disagree

No, New York Times. That's a bad New York Times. Why are you saying inflammatory things like this without any context? Here: you could have said any of these instead, and I would have been totally on board.

Probably the best way to propose

Serious Lunch on The Tonight Show!

Conan gave us a shout-out and animated our backdrop on the Tonight Show last night- check out the video:


UPDATE: NBC removed the video from youtube. Here is another link from Hulu

LOL Neti Pots

That Conan/Mario picture was by far the most popular thing we've put on this blog. Now that a lot more people are looking at this page how do we follow it up and keep people interested? How about photoshops of puns relating to neti pots! That will "go viral", right? Get ready, NetiLOLs are gonna tear up the internet!









Thanks to Marielena Logsdon for thinking up a bunch of these

Conan's new set looks like Super Mario

The design behind Conan O'Brien during the monologue is looking all Mushroom Kingdom. Check out the images below:

click to enlarge

animated gif:

click to enlarge

Can Videogames "Do" Subtletly?

(via offworld)

As someone who cried like a little baby bitch when Aeris died in FFVII, I've never had a hard time accepting videogames as a medium capable of delivering a visceral emotional wallop. But this article from Offworld uses Jason Rohrer's oft blogged about game Passage to consider the argument that videogames can paint emotion with a much finer brush, given the opportunity.

"It's a familiar debate: games can deliver big, bold visceral emotions - fright, frustration, triumph - but are subtler sensations - regret, embarrassment, alienation - beyond their remit? As ever, what puts the kibosh on this whole discussion is that games don't contain emotions at all. The emotions are supplied by each individual player, and since each individual player will respond to a game in a unique way, there's no empirical answer to be had"

Evocative stuff.

Follow-Up: Hailing to the Chief

Has everyone had the chance to check out Bad Paintings of Barack Obama? I posted a while ago that I would have my own submission soon. And, Well, days turned into years and look where we are now. But here it is, my own hail for the chief:

Hey! You Guys Remember YouTube Star Ian Crossland?

The subject of our first ever proper blog posting? He's still the worst! But he's now like, even more worst than ever before because these days he's not just brooding and pensive and looking right at you. Nah son - now he's brooding and pensive and looking right at you and SINGING.



My only gripe is that he doesn't gaze into the camera with his chin down and his eyes up more often. (JK you guys he does it every twelve fucking seconds).

Ian Crossland, later on tonight when you are googling your name and beating off into a mirror, please find this and read it.

And I know - someone that makes internet content himself shouldn't be throwing cyberstones through the iGlass iWindows of your Meta-house. But fuck it. You are the worst. You are even more the worst than we are.

Worst, Ian Crossland. Stop it.

You Guys I Found The New Hotness

No Free Ride

http://thenewcollisions.blogspot.com/

What Have You Grodos Been Up To?

This is where we've been lately. We'll show you when it's done.

These are all made up #4

I was wallowing in a sallsbury patch out by easthampton in my mudflappers, and really getting all parched up in my face. It was taking a long time to drag my buttfellows out of that patch, and by the time I got out I was drained. There's this squat little building there, inside it there's probably power meters or something. It's sort of strange because it's surrounded by chain link fence and barbed wire. Like what's in there that's so important. From around the corner of the building next to that building walks this beautiful woman, like super buxom, she looks like a cross between Kayden Kross and Meredith Cross. I was fiddling with my strings at the time so I wasn't really concerned with her until she was right in front of me. She lay me down on the soft woodland leave bed and gave me a full body massage, then a mudmask skin treatment. FML

RIP Geocities

geocities.com
1994-2009
via dreamhost blog