Friday, May 21, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
Two guys were driving down an old back road when all of a sudden they run out of gas. They think to themselves "what should we do?" One of the guys looks up and sees an old house a little ways up the street. He says, "Why don't we go to that house and see if they have a phone." The other guy says, "Sure, why not?" and the first guy says "Yeah, exactly."
So they walk up to the house and ring the door bell. An old lady opens the door and says,"Hello, can I help you?" They one guy says, "Yes, do you have a phone we could use, our car ran out of gas a little ways back." Then he looks at her and realizes this old bat is blind as a doornail! The old lady says,"I'm sorry I don't have a phone, never saw the point of those things, but I'll tell you what: you can stay here the night and then walk back to town, in the morning." The guys say "That would be great, thanks alot." Then the old woman says "But only on one condition... one of you has to have sex with meee!!!" The guys look at each other each raising one eyebrow thinking she must be fucking nuts! But then they think well its the only way to get back, plus sex is sex after all, who doesn't like to get their dick off now and then even if it is with a dried up old wrinkly blind bitch, so the one says, "Ugh, fuck it, I will sleep with you, you blind old bitch!" and the old lady goes "God, finally" and licks her lips, exposing her tongue which is small and dried up like a bird tongue and the guys see it and shudder like a ghost walked over their grave.
The old lady says come on in. Later that night, the old lady is getting ready for bed and yells to the one guy from her bed, naked under the covers and already twaddling herself "I'm nearly ready!" The guy shouts back "No way, we'll do this in the morning after I've had a full nights sleep!" The old lady groans and shouts back "fine" then takes an ambien and falls asleep. The guy is thinking to himself, "Oh my god what am I about to do!" Meanwhile, the other guy is already sawing logs without a care in the world because what the fuck does he have to be worried about, he doesn't have to fuck some bone rack twice his age. Anyway back to the old lady. She sets an Indian alarm clock for 4:30am, and get up and goes in the other room really quietly and starts like rubbing this guy's shlong through his pants which in his sleep is really good until he wakes up and thinks a skeleton is trying to steal his soul. But low and behold it's just a blind horny old lady on death's doorstep that needs to get filled out before she goes gentle into that good night and kicks the bucket. But speaking of buckets, this batty old bitch keeps a basket of shucked and cooked corn in her foyer for some reason, she probably just loves corn and wants it handy so she can enjoy a cob on a whim. So the old lady grabs this guy by the dick and pulls him towards the bedroom in a surprisingly forceful tug. But on the way the guy he spots the bucket full of cobs and grabs it by the handle and in a stroke of genius thinks to himself "This old bitch is blind, meaning she can't see, meaning maybe I can use theses corn cobs to fuck her instead of my stupid dick!" So he picks up the bucket and sits it next to the bed. He then gets in bed and reaches for a piece of corn in a real discreet way the blind bitch thinks he's just spitting on the floor but he's grabbing the corn, and he starts going like "just a second, please just let me get this dick hard, give me a fucking second to get hard already" but he's just sitting there picking lint out of his belly button with one hand holding the cob with the other, trying not to look at the squirming pile of vintage human masticating frantically as she slaps her pussy to warm it up for an old fashioned long-dicking. So anyway the guy finally goes "I'm ready, let me enterrrrrrr!!! and he leans forward a little and jabs that cob deep into her guts and proceeds to probe all around inside the old lady.
She is moaning and groaning, saying it is the best she ever had and "y'all feel different" and the guy keeps getting different pieces of corn, because she's really destroying these things and he doesn't want the kernels to start accumulating inside her. And each one after he's shoved it up in her sour chamber he throws it out the window.
After an hour or so the guy has basically fucked her into a coma or something, she's definitely unconscious and barely breathing and the guy accidentally glances at her crotch as he's leaving and it looks like a starving Indonesian's distended belly: it's something he'll never get out of his mind the rest of his life, it just hovers there in the peripheral of his consciousness and every once in a while emerges like this massive leviathan in a silent ocean at midnight to start him screaming and gnashing his teeth and he excuses himself to go into the men's room and cry for a little while. So he goes outside and the other guy is there sitting in the old lady's rocker with his feet up on another chair re-reading yesterday's newspaper and humming to himself. And he looks up at his buddy who is harrowed and pale as a ghost and starts to laugh, then after a while he says to the guy "Boy do you have it bad! The whole time you were in there fucking that woman's life away I was outside enjoying delicious buttered corn on the cob!!!"
Thursday, April 29, 2010
I'm auctioning two drawings this weekend as part of the Greenpoint 100 benefit for the Greenpoint public library.
The Greenpoint 100
Saturday, May 1, 11 AM – 2:30 PM
107 Norman Avenue
Thursday, April 22, 2010
My parents separated the summer I was thirteen years old. I knew that something wasn't right on the home front, but I didn't really see it coming. I don't imagine kids ever do.
Anyway, backslash familial drama - I was about to start high school. Leaving the apartment we shared as a family, my dad and I moved everything we owned about 200 feet to a modest split level house on the back of the property, which we rented from the same people. We settled into a new life there, two guys with the same name and a dog who had taken to chronically pissing the carpet in protest of my mom's absence (ancillary to this story but worth mentioning). It used to be that during every waking moment of my time at home, a parent was there to influence my behavior. Mornings before school, I'd get ready and leave with my dad. Arriving home later, my mom would be there crocheting or getting ready for dinner. I was kind of good by default - what kind of shit can you get into with your mom in the other room?
That all kind of went out the window, and quickly. My dad had to travel for business fairly often in the late 90s, and there were more than a few nights when I had nothing to do but hang out with my friends and facilitate buttloads of underage drinking. I wasn't throwing balls-to-the-wall parties or anything, just a rotating cast of characters from the same core group who knew my situation.
Well one night I just wasn't into it. I'd had a shitty day, I wasn't feeling well and didn't care that I had no parental supervision - all I wanted was my bed. I took a mega-dose of NyQuil, got into my birthday suit (as a man who sleeps alone is apt to do) and hit the lights. This was probably sometime around 9:30PM.
Time passes. I'm dead to the world...but something is trying to wake me up. It's a sound, a knocking. There's someone knocking. Someone is knocking on the door (this is the perfect stream of consciousness description of my thought process, you're welcome).
I'm half awake, naked as a jaybird. I spring out of bed because what if there's a fire? Or maybe I've won the Ed McMahon lottery finally, right? These are all possibilities. I'm in the foyer, about to answer the door. Shit - still naked. What's available...?
My dad has left a blazer hanging from a dining room chair, after deciding against taking it on his trip. Perfect. I'm going to put this blazer on and answer the door for people to see me. This is a great idea.
If you can conjure up how much of a person a blazer is designed to conceal, you can quickly calculate how much of my chubby body remained unaccounted for in the scheme. NyQuil doesn't like being toyed with. It expects you to stay the fuck asleep when you take it, and if you rebel against this arrangement, NyQuil will make you pay.
The price I paid was this: I open the door. My friends Pam and Lewis are standing there, a little drunk. I am in love with Pam at this point in my life. I am also very nearly naked at this point in my life.
Pam: ...what are you doing?
Me: (something awesome)
Pam: ...Are you naked?
I waited half a second and closed the door without saying another word. In the morning, I laid in bed, convincing myself it was a dream. Because of course it was a dream! Nobody really ends up naked and disheveled in front of the girl they have a crush on, right? That's some stupid nightmare shit that never really happens to anyone! Haha!
WELP - time to walk the dog (tying it all together here, see?). Get my stuff, grab the leash, open the door. Affixed to the door with chewing gum was a handwritten note:
We came by to see if you wanted to hang out, but I guess you were already fucked up. Nice suit!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
I picked up the new book from Dash Shaw at the MoCCA thing this weekend and it reminded me how much I enjoyed his book Bodyworld, which I read last year for free online (a printed version comes out this month). Shaw is one of the artists changing the medium right now contributing to new visual language in cartoons. This is worth your time.
BODYWORLD free online